So I struggled through the questions of what do I do next, and what do I do right now. and they tore me apart, I was so worn out and tired from the questions and trying to figure things out and understand something that seemed like I could just never understand...
And then someone spoke into my life, words of peace, confirmation and love.
I had been so tired and worn out. but these words brought life to my bones, and refreshed my spirit.
I am on the right path. I am doing what I need to be. and I need just to continue seeking.
I may never fully know where I should be or what i should be doing until it's already been done. but I can trust that I am right where I need to be right now. And that's good to know.

I Want More

it is a hard road to go on, to watch your friends go down the road that you so badly desire to go on. I want only what God wants for my life.. and yet I am still at a place of trying to figure that out. what it looks like. where i will go.. or even harder.. not go. so what does that look like today? how do I.. wait. ?

maybe even harder still is the fear, worry, lack of trust in the fact that what if through my sinful nature, when, if, He calls me... I do not hear. I don't want to pass by Him.

I've gone through this question time and time again.
some times realizing that I can botch things up.
other times realizing that if I do it for his glory, no matter what I do it will be blessed....
but what is his "Will" (for me) and how can I honer him and that in my life ...Today...

my burning desire... is that he is willing to send me.
do I just pick and go? if this is a "calling" not just a really really bad want... then would he or wouldn't he give me more direction then just the "pick up and go passion"?

john 10:10 that you may have life to the full.

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"The idea is to keep us on a predetermined track -- on a course we know nothing about and can do nothing to change." -Cathleen Falsani

This may be what some people feel predestination vs. free will is. it's a fight for our independence, to grow up, and be on our own... but do we really want that? how much does it matter if we are in control or if God is? it can matter completely, or not at all... depending on where you are at in your life at that moment, or what your focuses are. some days this thought wont change what you know and feel at all. and some times it all rest on making peace with what you know, and learning more about it.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." john 10:10

There are many ways to look at it. example: like a parent, they are in control of your life, they have ultimate say in what you can and cannot do.. but there are some things they cannot or will not choose for you. they are there to protect you. keep you safe, and help you make wise choices... but you are allowed to turn away from them and their teachings, you are free to run away or stop talking to them...
all they want is for your best. but they will not or cannot force it... you have your choices, even though ultimately they are responsible for you. it's their name that you shame or bring honer to.
this is in some ways how i used to look at it.

"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

I used to think that God would not let me make foolish choices.. if i did or didn't do it, it was his will and it would be whats best for me... or "what he wants" .
but recently I had a choice, something came up that I felt God had placed on my heart. I really believe that if God places it on you and you choose to go for it, you will be right where he wants you and it is amazing, but if you choose another way it doesn't always mean the end of the world.. I had/have options.. this journey would require faith...
But I had faith, I knew that if God had placed this on my heart all I had to do was go with it, he would provide the money, the safety and the details. He would give me ample supply of whatever I needed to make this happen.. But I had a choice... I chose. I chose to stay and as I did that I believe God allowed me to see in all the ways he would have provided for me to make that journey happen. I had an amazing time with the choice I did make.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

it wasn't a bad choice. but I missed out on something.. while I got to enjoy another thing. And through this all God has shown me...
My Choices Matter!
isn't that a crazy thought? my choices matter.. am I in control fully? no. but do i have a say in what goes on in my life? yes. how can this be? is this confusing? does it make sense? I don't know.. all I know is that I do not and will not at this time fully understand or know the mind of God... and I am okay with that.

For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
1 Corinthians 2:11

“For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:16

Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,
or instruct the LORD as his counselor? Isaiah 40:13

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

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.................................Happily Single.. Still...

Adventures such as these...

this weekend was wonderful. spent three days in santa barbra with some wonderful girls for my sisters bachelorette weekend.

the weather was better then we had hoped for and everything was so nice. we took a bike ride along the beach, went kayaking, walked along state street, hung out by the pool and spa, ate so much, and just relaxed. it was wonderful...
santa barbra is a fairly small town. we used to go there as teenagers all the time... while renting the kayaks we ran into a friend Me and my sister hadn't seen in ten years! she had been traveling the world and was now back home. it was awesome to get to see her. she just happened to be the girl behind the counter where we were renting. what a small world. it was great.

Success!!!

So all this wedding blissness called for me throwing a bridal shower! a party for over 30 gals. it was something I had never done before, And I am very proud to say it went very well! everyone seemed to have a good time, it wasn't to stressful, there was plenty of good food, the games were entertaining, and I didn't pass out while MCing... of course I had a lot of help! and with out all that help, I would have been a frantic mess! but thank goodness for family and friends!